


Classified Knowledge

by Fuzziestpuppy



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 4
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, Mumu is a Hot Mess, Pining, So Wrong It's Right, Tailoring, The Royal Crotch, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 06:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18733357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuzziestpuppy/pseuds/Fuzziestpuppy
Summary: “Your Majesty, of course!  Anything you tell me will be kept instrictestconfidence!”  Oh, this is going to begood,thinks Mumu.  Practically a state secret.





	Classified Knowledge

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaand it's official! The dumbest thing I've ever written. Thank you to everybody on Discord who laughed at it! [brokibrodinson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokibrodinson/pseuds/brokibrodinson) and [BunnyMoss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunnyMoss/pseuds/BunnyMoss) helped come up with the title.

 

***

 

As Pagan Min unbuttons his shirt, Mumu Chiffon tries not to stare, not realizing that his eyes are crossing more than usual. Unfortunately, he needs to stare, to get the fitting done properly. He needs to get this right…but by god, his shoulders. His _abs_. He never would have guessed that his new employer was so…

The King smirks, the shirt hanging from his elbows. “Like what you see, dear Mumu?”

God. His ears _burn._ His entire face flames, as Pagan laughs.

“Not to worry, not to worry, dear boy. It’s very flattering, that look. I like it!” He adopts a heroic sort of pose, hands on hips and nose in the air. “But it’s entirely shameful, the issues that a man sometimes encounters as…time goes by,” he says delicately.

Mumu swallows. “I’m not sure I understand, Your Majesty.”

“Oh, _you_ know,” he says, a little sadly. “Sometimes the will outstrips the…capacities of the plumbing, as it were.” With his face turned as it is, Chiffon completely misses the spark of mean-spirited mirth in his dark eyes.

At first he doesn’t understand precisely what Pagan is implying, but then…Oh. _Oh._ He…can’t help it. He can’t stop himself, as his eyes drop to the royal crotch.

“Surely not, sir,” he blurts. “A young man such as yourself, so fit and strong and _fierce…_ ”

Pagan sighs with just the right note of despondency. “I assure you, it’s true! Such a depressing state of affairs. I’m attempting a remedy though.” His eyes still focused on the outline of Pagan’s dick through his admittedly fine trousers, he also manages to miss the fact that Pagan’s biting his bottom lip to keep from laughing. “I’ve begun a daily regimen of…well. Please, my dear Mumu, keep this between us! Don’t tell _anyone._ It’s all a bit embarrassing, you see!”

“Your Majesty, of course! Anything you tell me will be kept in _strictest_ confidence!” Oh, this is going to be _good,_ thinks Mumu. Practically a state secret.

The King’s voice drops low, warm and intimate and confessional. “That’s very good to know. Well, I’ve had it on good advice that the consumption of tiger penises can help a man’s virility, so I’ve begun having them for breakfast. At least three! More if I can stand it, washed down with herbal tea. They aren’t very _tasty,_ you see.” Pagan pauses and coughs a little, as if his throat is a bit scratchy. “So that’s…”

Right at that moment, Pagan’s phone goes off in his pocket. “Oh, I really must take this, my boy…do be a dear and see yourself out, won’t you? We’ll have to continue our fitting later,” as he shrugs his shirt back on.

 

After he’s sure Chiffon’s out of the room, he texts Gary back.

 

 _Excellent timing, thank you_  
_The bait has been laid_  
_Now we’ll see if he’s foolish enough to take i_ t

 

_Did you go with the tiger penis thing? :D_

 

 _Oh yes_  
_It’s a gullibility test as well_  
_Oh, you have no idea how hard it was_  
_to keep a straight fucking face_

 

 _His credentials are all great_  
_but none of it means jack shit_  
_if he can’t keep his mouth shut._  
_We’ll be monitoring him._  
_Kamran just radioed in, surveillance is all set up_

 

 _Excellent! Thank you so much Gary_  
_Your timing really was impeccable_

 

_Thank you sir_

 

Pagan tapped his phone against his lips. Good help was so hard to come by these days.

 

 

End

 

***

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments/ideas/suggestions welcome!


End file.
